Do You Ever?

Do you ever just want to shout from the rooftops?! I do!!!
Do ever want to dance and jump until you have nothing left?! I do!!!
Do you ever want to fall on your face before God and cry your eyes out?! I do!!!!

I can't really explain how I'm feeling right now. Other than I'm free!!!!!! Life is soo worth living to it's fullest with a relationship with our Heavenly Father! He is sooo Good! He NEVER fails.

I have been making big decisions and I won't go into too much detail, but I will say this I am so full of joy and anticipation that I can not contain it. I just can hardly wait to see what God has in store. I'm stepping out in faith and believing for doors to open. I knew big things were coming when I made the decision to move where I'm at. I can't say that things happened exactly like I thought they would, but I have no regrets.

After my small group tonight, I dropped some of the girls off and all the way home songs singing of God's goodness were on the radio and how you can't help but tell the world. Well people that's what I'm doing! God has taken me places and put me in positions that I never dreamed of. And it's stretching me and it kinda scares me, but I'm loving every minute. That doesn't mean I don't have doubts or struggles. It just means that no matter what circumstances come I will not be moved because I have confidence in the God I serve. My heart is so full tonight and has been for the past 2 weeks or so.

I have the perfect illustration (I think), after church on Sunday I was standing with my front door open but the screen door was closed and the sun was shining in and it was so warm and it just wrapped me up in it's warmth and made me smile. I was wearing a black shirt so it was absorbing the sun as well. Than during worship at church on Sunday night I just got this picture of how it is when our heavenly father is smiling down on us and He wants to continuelly wrap His Love around us and it in that we get this warmth around us like a protective sheild against the cold (believe me it was really cold out that day) of daily life. And when we live in His Son we can continueally have a smile on our face. I want to live in the warmth of His love every day of my life. It's an amazing thing!

Buried History

They say history repeats itself. I’m not sure who they is, I suppose the repetition of history through the generations has created this statement and proved it true. As a result, everyone knows and believes that history repeats itself, but does nothing about learning from history that is quoted repeatedly. I’m getting off track here.

My Minnesota history class has a site review assignment coming due, too soon for comfort. I referred to it during my grading conference on Monday. My history instructor, upon informing the class, described it as a book report only based on a location rather than a book. I groaned inwardly when I heard about the assignment’s existence. I’m still not looking forward to completing the writing. However, I did enjoy visiting the site that I chose, the site being the old CCC camp across from my parents’ house.

I have always known that it was over there, but I never actually knew that it was over there, if you know what I mean. As I walked through the woods with my mom and two of my siblings, we came into clearings that were abnormally square and walked alongside concrete foundations hidden by trees and moss. It is as if nature herself has tried to eradicate the camp’s presence from the earth. Just as we, the human race, have tried to erase the Great Depression from our minds. The Great Depression was a time in America’s history that we appeared weak and feeble, unable to cope with the effect of war and ignorance. It took a lot of work and ingenuity to pull the United States out of the hole. Part of the process was the creation of work camps where men could make money to support their families. CCC camps served their purpose back in the day, now we move on. I suppose in a way it represents a time in the United States that brings back memories not easily erased from the older generations. A time of trials and tribulations that they only came through with hard work and sacrifice. I wish that my generation could hear and learn from the examples that went before us.

Walking the barren land that once held the hustle and bustle of human life working to rebuild a way of life and to support their families back home made me really think hard about my life. Will the steps that I take and foundations that I build be so easily covered up and forgotten as those of the men from the Baptism CCC camp? Some camps have been made into historical markers but even then we have covered them up with our idealism that the life our ancestors once lived can remain untouched by our humanly, futuristic hands and unskewed by our impractically, progressive minds. Yet, the fact remains that history leaves undeniable and permanent marks on our land and our lives. We can never escape the creation of history, because time does not stand still and we can’t go back.

This is a letter that I recently wrote for my Comp class about my history class, I enjoyed writing it so I thought I would share it with you all. :)

The Stillness of the Woods

As I sit and consider the places that I have lived, my current residence and my favorite places, quite a few come to mind. I would not say that I am a demanding or hard to please person, however my comfort level in the past has been somewhat low. I am becoming more accustomed to being out of my comfort zone this is a good thing. The place I am the most at home maybe best explained by giving some examples about where I do not feel at home. I hate traffic, I can drive well, but it stresses me out. The constant rush of city and town life does nothing for me, some people thrive on it, I do not.

My favorite place to be, the one that makes me feel the most at home, is in the middle of the woods. I love everything about it. The stillness of the world when you are in the woods is breathtaking. To sit and hear the birds twittering and the breeze in the trees is an experience that I would love to experience on a daily basis. I enjoy the sound of gravel beneath my tires, and it’s even better if I’m in a big truck. The bounty that the earth provides is there for the taking. The wild berries, the wild rice, the ability to grow things in a patch of ground are a privilege. Even though animals can get in and wreak havoc on a garden, it’s a pleasure once the frustration is past. They are so clever and you can just see their little minds working to try to figure out how to get over the obstacles that are placed in their way. It’s another story with insects that invade a garden. I love going barefoot in the green grass and the feeling of warm rocks underneath my feet. The smell of fall and spring tempts me to go out and play in the forest. In the wintertime I love snow covered trees and the feeling that all is well in the world. The crispness in the air leaves me breathlessly content.

Eventually I would like to have a house in the woods; until I do, I have the privilege of going to my parents’ home in the woods. I suppose a large part of the reason I feel at home in the woods is because I that is where I was raised. My earliest memories are sitting out in the berry patch with my mom, climbing trees as tall as my house and making mud pies under the trees. The woods definitely hold my heart.

Hidden on a Hill

I have decided that I will post some of the things that I am writing for my college composition classes. I don't much feel like blogging right now so I won't go into much of my life right now. I am happy to annouce that I am writing a book, I don't necessarily have a title or a real clear topic for the book, but it will be non-fiction. I will put a few glimpses/excerpts on here from time time. It should be an interesting book as I live an interesting life :) not really... but I have an interesting point of view on life due to the way I was raised, my educational experiences, my moral standard and my "religious" (I hate the word religious but I think that's the most universal way to refer to it) views.

An Amazing Weekend with an Amazing God!

So I know I don't get on here much, I don't feel like I have much to say and I always seem to start out every blog this way. I will try to do better :D So this last weekend I went on a retreat with University Christian Fellowship/Chi Alpha and it was totally amazing. It rocked my world! I went into the weekend with the mindset that this was going to be an oppurtunity for it to be me and God. I knew that that was what my focus needed to be. And He met me there. The worship was amazing, everyone just connected with God and you could just feel His love being poured out on everyone. Pretty much everyone had a testimony about what God did in thier lives. There was also some really good teaching. It was pretty much all about intimacy with God. This is what has been on my heart lately a lot. A few weeks ago as I was getting out of the shower I had the phrase "passionate pursuit" rolling around in me and than a week later the words "true intimacy" came to my heart. Both go together, I didn't really study it out but it's something I've really been pondering for the last couple weeks.

See in moving to this town, I don't really feel like I know the reason I'm here I feel like I'm in this holding place, where I'm not looking back but I can't see the future. Coming to this place hasn't been an easy process. After school in Hib-town and my summer job I was burned out, stressed out, and tired out. The last two years although filled with victories were a real battle for me. I didn't want to deal with anyone. I didn't really know what I was doing and how everything was going to come together. I really learned that the Lord is with me and I can depend on Him for everything. I don't have to have all my ducks in a row. He's got it under control. I've really been doing my best to live day by day, moment by moment and not worry. It's really true that a man plans his way but God directs his steps. I have been so refreshed and I've really gotten my love and desire for live back, as well as my joy. But I've still been struggling somewhat with why in the world am I here? This is what I feel, I feel as though I'm in a holding/hiding place. Like I'm tucked away on the hillside under His wings. I feel ready for the next adventure He has for me. While I'm waiting my choice is to live each day to the fullest. God has been speaking to me about really getting to know Him and Heart and that's what I spent my weekend doing. I did all my homework before I left, so I was able to just relax in Him. I have this deep desire to pursue His heart and His mind. The Bible says we are to have the mind of Christ. I was made in His image, I was made to reflect His glory in the earth. I am a conductor.

I've got top billing in His eyes, each and everyone of us does. I think this is the summary of the clearest thing I heard and He was dealing with me over this weekend. I was raised in a Christian home and my dad was/is a minister of the Gospel. I've always just stepped back and let others be ministered too because of this. I've had the mindset that everyone else could be first and was more important than my needs. Other people have always been the first priority, I felt like I could wait and deal with my needs later. God revealed to me how my actions and my view of my dad when he ministers, is wrong. I don't have to wait, I can have Him and His presence right here right now. I don't have to waith for the crumbs, I don't have to wait until everyone else has had thier fill. God is a big God and if He cares for the sparrow how much more does He care for me? I am valued and special. He is mine and I am His.

I really want to start sharing what's on my heart about life and God and love. So hopefully I will get better at this. I have so much rolling around my spirit right now, I don't have words to express it all.

A New Day

So the best way to describe what I'm feeling is to give a description that maybe you can relate to. Do you know how it feels to be coming out of a black tunnel and you saw the light at the end, but than all of the sudden you were in it? That feeling of relief and joy and awe of the glory of the light. That's the way I feel. The feeling goes sooo deep. I'm content and peaceful and refreshed mentally, emotionally and physically. Well physically I get tired but you know, that's a good thing, because it proves I'm alive. I know life is probably going to get busier and there are always new battles to face. I have confidence in the God that I serve wholeheartedly and that gives me confidence to face whatever the next bend in the road brings.



Today is my birthday and I no I won't tell you how old I am now. It's really hard for me to explain the way I'm feeling. I have found my home in the cleft of the rock and I don't want to go back to the valley. I'm willing to fight. There are things that my heart desires for this new year of my life. Sometimes it's so heavy with longing that I don't know what I'm going to do. Yet I can keep my gaze on Him rather than on my desires. Yes I know He placed those desires in me, and in the right time I know they will be fulfilled.



The road to this place that I am at has not been easy and I don't have it all figured out. But I am reveling in it and I'm going to enjoy it. I'm going to take each day and be thankful for it.



I've found some safe places to be some safe people to be around. I'm getting out of my comfort zone. I'm pursueing, tasting, seeing, loving, living, showing, and testifying the GOODNESS of the GOD I serve. This is my joy and this is my song. The joy of the Lord is my strength.



Just so you know I am living in reality, I have to go do homework quick because I have a full day ahead of me. I just wanted to share something positive. Because life is positive.

Truly Beautiful

Life is truly beautiful. I have found respite and I am refreshed. I'm ready for the next step, I'm ready for the climb. I'm ready to chase the dreams, work hard and I'm ready to fly. My heart yearns, My heart connects, It pounds with life, The steps before and after me fade, my eyes are on the sky in anticipation, to trust means to release everything, I am willing to risk all that I am, to chase after what I can't see, I count not the cost, there is nothing else, my life is not my own, I don't doubt, I hold fast, I've touched the depths, Now I long to know the heights, Nothing can drag me down, Grace and glory flow through my veins, They come out my eyes and seep out my skin, I burn. My tongue can't stumble it's seasoned with salt, My confidence is not of myself, the path before me I make my own, I stake my claim. My heart is set, I know the truth, I will stand, To waver is to fail, This I refuse to do! It's not about taking chances, it's about making advances. This is what I was born for, I can do no else.

Lift your arms catch hold of the flame. The battle has been won, victory is in the air. Don't second guess, recieve the peace and confess, take to heart the promises, Don't plan for failure, look for success. It's there, open your eyes. Knock down negativity, it goes against the grain, it upbraids and uproots the seeds of life. The darkness has to flee, it has owns no ground and carries no crown. The light floods in, the glory falls, this is where we're meant to live. We couldn't stand in the midst of it all, if it weren't for the redemption we recieve at His side. Our strength is not our own, the price and worth of our life is beyond comprehension, to throw it away would be a shame. Let's shout with joy we have nothing to fear, Enjoy every step don't take the fun out of the next. Let's run the race, keep the pace and never forget we live, we move in His grace.

Taking Deep Breaths

I'm sitting here taking deep breaths. Stress is a really easy place to fall into. I wish it wasn't. I find myself at various parts of the day at work having to fight to keep myself calm. There is always something going on at work, I am thankful that in 5 days my summer job will be done! Even though I have no idea what I am really doing. Only God knows and I haven't been clued in on the purpose yet. As my Aunt told me if I knew why I feel like I am supposed to go and live in "D" I would probably try to make it happen myself. That's probably true. Fighting for a cause that you have no clue about is frustrating at times. I have no idea what my next steps need to be. School starts in thirteen days! I can hardly believe it. I don't have a place to live near the college yet, so I will be driving an hour and a half each way, three days a week. I have never been to the school, I have had so many mood swings on going to this school, because it has been a fight from the beginning on being able to actually attend classes. Everything from not being able to talk to someone about questions, to financial aid stuff coming late for awhile I didn't think I would have enough aid to go to school, to people not being willing to help me, and not being able to register for classes. Now I have to actually go to the school and look around, I have never been there, I have to get books as well.

Since I am driving back and forth I won't be able to get a job (unless the Lord provides one). I feel like I'm going in blind in so many ways. I feel inadequate for the jobs ahead, and I don't even know what they are. I have decided that I don't want to have a plan B. I just need plan A, since my desire is to have the Lord direct my steps. It sure is a wild ride, one that I really want to get more accustomed to so that I can enjoy each step of the journey, every view from both the mountain tops and the valleys. With God as my plan A you can see how a plan B is inconceivable.

I'm not sure if my blogging is a good thing or a bad thing. I am hoping to blog more on cooking and stuff, as fall comes around and I have more time to play in the kitchen. There are so many things that I want to learn and try out. So I'm hoping to share those insights for anyone who wants to read my blogging mumbo jumbo ;)

I Wonder....

Sometimes I wonder if it's really worth my time to blog. I don't have much off time right now and I probably won't for quite awhile. I love my cooking job at camp. Of course tomorrow it gets even busier now that the kids have arrived. This first session has 75 kids and 50 staff members. So that's basically once you round it 130 people for every meal. I'm only responsible for the evening meal and all three meals on Sunday. It's a lot of work of course, but it's really nice to put everything I've learned over the last two years in school to good use. I finally got all my classes registered for at my college of choice this fall. I'm taking 15 credits it should be interesting, I still don't have a for sure place to live yet but I do have a slight lead. I'm not too worried though so far things have fallen into place just fine even though I have stressed out about things more than once. I really can't control everything that's definitely a hard lesson to learn and live out. I'm not as bad as I used be be. I'm super sore thanks to wild strawberry picking I can barely walk, haha. Well actually it's not that funny because I've been up since 5 am and I cooked from 6 am to 3 pm today and right now I'm chilling out and trying to get up the gumption to move my legs, but it's a lot of work.
The last few couple of weeks have contained good and bad surprises. The bad surprise was that my families dog had to be put done a week ago today. He couldn't walk anymore. I didn't get to say goodbye though because I left for work at 5:30 am and my family had to leave before I got home and they didn't want him to suffer. It was kinda hard. Change happens around every corner sometimes it's definitely not fun or easy. Anyways the good news can wait. Because I really need to get moving or maybe get sleeping I'm not sure yet. :) Motivation has been hiding around the corner for me lately and to find well you more than likely get the picture. See ya later!

Yes

I did rename my blog it has been on my mind to do so so I did