What is Your Heart Beating for?

This is a question that came to mind today as I was taking care of some things that needed to be done. Life is busy it's true but that doesn't change the fact that no matter what we are doing our heart is beating, both physically and metaphorically. I suppose another way to phrase it is what are living for? And how is that reflecting in your life?

2 Cor 2:14-17

In the Messiah, in Christ, God leads us from place to place in one perpetual victory parade. Through us, he brings knowledge of Christ. Everywhere we go, people breathe in the exquisite fragrance. Because of Christ, we give off a sweet scent rising to God, which is recognized by those on the way of salvation—an aroma redolent with life. But those on the way to destruction treat us more like the stench from a rotting corpse.

This is a terrific responsibility. Is anyone competent to take it on? No— but at least we don't take God's Word, water it down, and then take it to the streets to sell it cheap. We stand in Christ's presence when we speak; God looks us in the face. We get what we say straight from God and say it as honestly as we can.

This life that I'm living is not for religion, my heart has this amazing peace. I don't have to strive for intimacy with God, it's not something I have to stress out about. I don't have to live perfectly or clean up my act. I just have to stay in a place of constant communing and hunger. It's a deep groaning within each of us, a void that each of us tries to fill but nothing fills it like the love of God and all that comes with a relationship with a living breathing King. A God who once you have an experience with, you'll never be the same. When you live from a place of intimacy your life reflects it. His joy and peace will bubble out of you and you can't stop it. It makes you want to shout from the highest mountain top. I want everyone to experience this. You don't have to live in bondage. It's not about theological answers either. You don't have to have answers for everyone of life's questions. Just press in. When I'm stressed I turn on worship music, lately that has been Misty Edward's worship (I have about 5 hours of her music on my computer). Her music is full of life and it's all about the intimate place between God and man.

I was listening to a message by Bill Johnson this morning about our mandate here on earth. How the Bible tells us what the world we live in is like and than tells us what we are to do about it. It's powerful! In the message he talks about intercession being the greatest tool we have and as my previous post about standing in the gap talks about we need to walk in it. My life in Christ Jesus is the reason my heart beats, it's the reason why I'm living. As that passage in 2 Corinthians talks about my life omits a fragrance and those who are searching for something more in life will be drawn to your "smell" or the will be repulsed becuase of conviction but you job is to be a living letter of who Jesus is. What do you smell like today? Honestly my smell has been that great this week, I've been a little stressed out and overwhelmed with life. But today as I prayed about some situations that I ran into and ran my errands, I was infused with this new sense of purpose and began to open my eyes once again to what my relationship with Him grants me. It's not the reason I pursue Him. I pursue Him because it's what the deep places of me calls out for, it's what my heart longs for. And if He is all I ever have in this life I will be satisfied. He always provides and my heart beats because of Him. I refuse to pursue the endless cycles that this world tries to pull me into. It's ok to LIVE IN FREEDOM!!!!! I think that is the biggest thing I've been learning to combat, this sense that I have to be living in a constant struggle. The lie that I have to be in some kind of bondage for God to work on me. The lie that if I'm not stuggling with something, life isn't right. I can live without guilt. I can live free of the bondage of the world! That's what God has granted me as a lover of Him. I

I choose to be a passionate lover of a passionate God, wholeheartedly chasing after a God that isn't running for me, He embraces me and empowers me to pursue all that He has placed in me. And my heart is overflowing with His goodness, love and peace this day even though I'm tired, I don't have my homework done, my car has problems, I don't know what the future holds, some of my friends are in turmoil and injustice continues it's cycles. I am FREE and so are YOU. Let your heart beat today with God today. It's AMAZING and you will NEVER REGRET IT!!!
Shalom

The Power of Our Lives

Life is good right now. Of course there are some things that I'm not sure about, that I searching out. Lately I have been convicted about the position that I have been given on earth. As I look around at all the situations that continually confront me with injustice and injury to those around me, I weep. I want to see things change for my family, for my friends, for the people I come in contact with in the positions that the Lord has put me in. Yet,I feel like I'm running, but it's because I'm standing still and not moving forward to where I'm supposed to be. I know what I'm called to do. It's what we are all called to do. God gives us a choice whether to walk in the authority He's given us or to turn our hearts and our eyes. However if we really want to see change in all of the situations we struggle with it's going to take more than a "sacrificial" prayer in between waking up and starting our day. It's going take more than being in church on Sunday and going through the motions. It's going to take getting out of our comfort zones and pursuing an awesome God. It's more than 30-45 minutes of worship and an hour of teaching. We are going to have to change things in our lives and prioritize to put God first. My heart yearns to see and hear freedom on Sunday mornings and everyday of life.

We've been called to stand in the gap "So I sought for a man among them who would make a wall and stand in the gap before Me on the behalf of the land that I should not destroy it; but I found no one." Ezek 22:30 God wants to move in the situations that sit heavy on our hearts. I will build a wall and stand to speak into the lives and situations where death is trying to manifest. Not on my watch! We were given authority, we were given the ability to intercede in the spiritual realm in all situations. Are we ready? Are we willing? Will we move? Will we get up an hour early in the morning to worship and pray? Will we give up after church activities to spend more time in worship with our King? Worship that will break strongholds. How far are we willing to go? I want to go all the way. I'm seeking, I'm willing. I want to lead the army of on fire saints. The cry of my heart is to live a purposeful life full of passion and whatever it has to look like. I will follow, I will give things up. I will walk it out to the best of my ability through God's grace. Will you go with me?

Do You Ever?

Do you ever just want to shout from the rooftops?! I do!!!
Do ever want to dance and jump until you have nothing left?! I do!!!
Do you ever want to fall on your face before God and cry your eyes out?! I do!!!!

I can't really explain how I'm feeling right now. Other than I'm free!!!!!! Life is soo worth living to it's fullest with a relationship with our Heavenly Father! He is sooo Good! He NEVER fails.

I have been making big decisions and I won't go into too much detail, but I will say this I am so full of joy and anticipation that I can not contain it. I just can hardly wait to see what God has in store. I'm stepping out in faith and believing for doors to open. I knew big things were coming when I made the decision to move where I'm at. I can't say that things happened exactly like I thought they would, but I have no regrets.

After my small group tonight, I dropped some of the girls off and all the way home songs singing of God's goodness were on the radio and how you can't help but tell the world. Well people that's what I'm doing! God has taken me places and put me in positions that I never dreamed of. And it's stretching me and it kinda scares me, but I'm loving every minute. That doesn't mean I don't have doubts or struggles. It just means that no matter what circumstances come I will not be moved because I have confidence in the God I serve. My heart is so full tonight and has been for the past 2 weeks or so.

I have the perfect illustration (I think), after church on Sunday I was standing with my front door open but the screen door was closed and the sun was shining in and it was so warm and it just wrapped me up in it's warmth and made me smile. I was wearing a black shirt so it was absorbing the sun as well. Than during worship at church on Sunday night I just got this picture of how it is when our heavenly father is smiling down on us and He wants to continuelly wrap His Love around us and it in that we get this warmth around us like a protective sheild against the cold (believe me it was really cold out that day) of daily life. And when we live in His Son we can continueally have a smile on our face. I want to live in the warmth of His love every day of my life. It's an amazing thing!

Buried History

They say history repeats itself. I’m not sure who they is, I suppose the repetition of history through the generations has created this statement and proved it true. As a result, everyone knows and believes that history repeats itself, but does nothing about learning from history that is quoted repeatedly. I’m getting off track here.

My Minnesota history class has a site review assignment coming due, too soon for comfort. I referred to it during my grading conference on Monday. My history instructor, upon informing the class, described it as a book report only based on a location rather than a book. I groaned inwardly when I heard about the assignment’s existence. I’m still not looking forward to completing the writing. However, I did enjoy visiting the site that I chose, the site being the old CCC camp across from my parents’ house.

I have always known that it was over there, but I never actually knew that it was over there, if you know what I mean. As I walked through the woods with my mom and two of my siblings, we came into clearings that were abnormally square and walked alongside concrete foundations hidden by trees and moss. It is as if nature herself has tried to eradicate the camp’s presence from the earth. Just as we, the human race, have tried to erase the Great Depression from our minds. The Great Depression was a time in America’s history that we appeared weak and feeble, unable to cope with the effect of war and ignorance. It took a lot of work and ingenuity to pull the United States out of the hole. Part of the process was the creation of work camps where men could make money to support their families. CCC camps served their purpose back in the day, now we move on. I suppose in a way it represents a time in the United States that brings back memories not easily erased from the older generations. A time of trials and tribulations that they only came through with hard work and sacrifice. I wish that my generation could hear and learn from the examples that went before us.

Walking the barren land that once held the hustle and bustle of human life working to rebuild a way of life and to support their families back home made me really think hard about my life. Will the steps that I take and foundations that I build be so easily covered up and forgotten as those of the men from the Baptism CCC camp? Some camps have been made into historical markers but even then we have covered them up with our idealism that the life our ancestors once lived can remain untouched by our humanly, futuristic hands and unskewed by our impractically, progressive minds. Yet, the fact remains that history leaves undeniable and permanent marks on our land and our lives. We can never escape the creation of history, because time does not stand still and we can’t go back.

This is a letter that I recently wrote for my Comp class about my history class, I enjoyed writing it so I thought I would share it with you all. :)

The Stillness of the Woods

As I sit and consider the places that I have lived, my current residence and my favorite places, quite a few come to mind. I would not say that I am a demanding or hard to please person, however my comfort level in the past has been somewhat low. I am becoming more accustomed to being out of my comfort zone this is a good thing. The place I am the most at home maybe best explained by giving some examples about where I do not feel at home. I hate traffic, I can drive well, but it stresses me out. The constant rush of city and town life does nothing for me, some people thrive on it, I do not.

My favorite place to be, the one that makes me feel the most at home, is in the middle of the woods. I love everything about it. The stillness of the world when you are in the woods is breathtaking. To sit and hear the birds twittering and the breeze in the trees is an experience that I would love to experience on a daily basis. I enjoy the sound of gravel beneath my tires, and it’s even better if I’m in a big truck. The bounty that the earth provides is there for the taking. The wild berries, the wild rice, the ability to grow things in a patch of ground are a privilege. Even though animals can get in and wreak havoc on a garden, it’s a pleasure once the frustration is past. They are so clever and you can just see their little minds working to try to figure out how to get over the obstacles that are placed in their way. It’s another story with insects that invade a garden. I love going barefoot in the green grass and the feeling of warm rocks underneath my feet. The smell of fall and spring tempts me to go out and play in the forest. In the wintertime I love snow covered trees and the feeling that all is well in the world. The crispness in the air leaves me breathlessly content.

Eventually I would like to have a house in the woods; until I do, I have the privilege of going to my parents’ home in the woods. I suppose a large part of the reason I feel at home in the woods is because I that is where I was raised. My earliest memories are sitting out in the berry patch with my mom, climbing trees as tall as my house and making mud pies under the trees. The woods definitely hold my heart.

Hidden on a Hill

I have decided that I will post some of the things that I am writing for my college composition classes. I don't much feel like blogging right now so I won't go into much of my life right now. I am happy to annouce that I am writing a book, I don't necessarily have a title or a real clear topic for the book, but it will be non-fiction. I will put a few glimpses/excerpts on here from time time. It should be an interesting book as I live an interesting life :) not really... but I have an interesting point of view on life due to the way I was raised, my educational experiences, my moral standard and my "religious" (I hate the word religious but I think that's the most universal way to refer to it) views.

An Amazing Weekend with an Amazing God!

So I know I don't get on here much, I don't feel like I have much to say and I always seem to start out every blog this way. I will try to do better :D So this last weekend I went on a retreat with University Christian Fellowship/Chi Alpha and it was totally amazing. It rocked my world! I went into the weekend with the mindset that this was going to be an oppurtunity for it to be me and God. I knew that that was what my focus needed to be. And He met me there. The worship was amazing, everyone just connected with God and you could just feel His love being poured out on everyone. Pretty much everyone had a testimony about what God did in thier lives. There was also some really good teaching. It was pretty much all about intimacy with God. This is what has been on my heart lately a lot. A few weeks ago as I was getting out of the shower I had the phrase "passionate pursuit" rolling around in me and than a week later the words "true intimacy" came to my heart. Both go together, I didn't really study it out but it's something I've really been pondering for the last couple weeks.

See in moving to this town, I don't really feel like I know the reason I'm here I feel like I'm in this holding place, where I'm not looking back but I can't see the future. Coming to this place hasn't been an easy process. After school in Hib-town and my summer job I was burned out, stressed out, and tired out. The last two years although filled with victories were a real battle for me. I didn't want to deal with anyone. I didn't really know what I was doing and how everything was going to come together. I really learned that the Lord is with me and I can depend on Him for everything. I don't have to have all my ducks in a row. He's got it under control. I've really been doing my best to live day by day, moment by moment and not worry. It's really true that a man plans his way but God directs his steps. I have been so refreshed and I've really gotten my love and desire for live back, as well as my joy. But I've still been struggling somewhat with why in the world am I here? This is what I feel, I feel as though I'm in a holding/hiding place. Like I'm tucked away on the hillside under His wings. I feel ready for the next adventure He has for me. While I'm waiting my choice is to live each day to the fullest. God has been speaking to me about really getting to know Him and Heart and that's what I spent my weekend doing. I did all my homework before I left, so I was able to just relax in Him. I have this deep desire to pursue His heart and His mind. The Bible says we are to have the mind of Christ. I was made in His image, I was made to reflect His glory in the earth. I am a conductor.

I've got top billing in His eyes, each and everyone of us does. I think this is the summary of the clearest thing I heard and He was dealing with me over this weekend. I was raised in a Christian home and my dad was/is a minister of the Gospel. I've always just stepped back and let others be ministered too because of this. I've had the mindset that everyone else could be first and was more important than my needs. Other people have always been the first priority, I felt like I could wait and deal with my needs later. God revealed to me how my actions and my view of my dad when he ministers, is wrong. I don't have to wait, I can have Him and His presence right here right now. I don't have to waith for the crumbs, I don't have to wait until everyone else has had thier fill. God is a big God and if He cares for the sparrow how much more does He care for me? I am valued and special. He is mine and I am His.

I really want to start sharing what's on my heart about life and God and love. So hopefully I will get better at this. I have so much rolling around my spirit right now, I don't have words to express it all.

Truly Beautiful

Life is truly beautiful. I have found respite and I am refreshed. I'm ready for the next step, I'm ready for the climb. I'm ready to chase the dreams, work hard and I'm ready to fly. My heart yearns, My heart connects, It pounds with life, The steps before and after me fade, my eyes are on the sky in anticipation, to trust means to release everything, I am willing to risk all that I am, to chase after what I can't see, I count not the cost, there is nothing else, my life is not my own, I don't doubt, I hold fast, I've touched the depths, Now I long to know the heights, Nothing can drag me down, Grace and glory flow through my veins, They come out my eyes and seep out my skin, I burn. My tongue can't stumble it's seasoned with salt, My confidence is not of myself, the path before me I make my own, I stake my claim. My heart is set, I know the truth, I will stand, To waver is to fail, This I refuse to do! It's not about taking chances, it's about making advances. This is what I was born for, I can do no else.

Lift your arms catch hold of the flame. The battle has been won, victory is in the air. Don't second guess, recieve the peace and confess, take to heart the promises, Don't plan for failure, look for success. It's there, open your eyes. Knock down negativity, it goes against the grain, it upbraids and uproots the seeds of life. The darkness has to flee, it has owns no ground and carries no crown. The light floods in, the glory falls, this is where we're meant to live. We couldn't stand in the midst of it all, if it weren't for the redemption we recieve at His side. Our strength is not our own, the price and worth of our life is beyond comprehension, to throw it away would be a shame. Let's shout with joy we have nothing to fear, Enjoy every step don't take the fun out of the next. Let's run the race, keep the pace and never forget we live, we move in His grace.

The Big Picture and Letting Go

Some days it's really hard to look at the big picture. Most of the time it's way too easy to continually look at the valleys and at how high the mountain tops are. I was very grateful for my Aunt's reminder that in the big picture some trials are very small. Yet as we are walking through/up they seem like Mount Everest. I had to walk through a situation this weekend that wasn't easy, but God had been dealing with me on it and I knew I was riding the fence. It was really hard for me to bite the bullet, I cried and prayed my way through it. It wasn't fun, but I passed the test and I know God was smiling down at me. I know that what God has for me will be so much better, I don't want the counterfeit or second best. I want His absolute best for me. God and I have been dealing with this particular issue for awhile now and I finally said "Ok God I'll do it your way, I'll let it go and throw myself into your arms and trust." I have to refine my focus and look not just at what's right in front of me, but at the entire landscape.

Sometimes it's really hard to be still and know that He truly is God. Lately I have been struggling to keep my joy. Most days I feel like I'm just surviving, but not truly thriving. I need to get my joy back, I know that it's not a natural thing and it's not based on circumstances. It's supernatural and in it is my strength.

School is going well overall. There aren't too many things that I really want to complain about. I just know that things could be way better than they are.

God Things

Do you ever just have the desire to see God things happen? I do. I know that they are always happening if we open our eyes, ears and hearts to see and hear and be available. I just finished watching the movie "August Rush". Wow it's such an amazing movie. It touches my heart and makes me long to listen, and open myself up to the Holy Spirit. I don't know what the creators, directors, or producers wanted to accomplish with the movie, but there are some really cool examples in it. If you haven't seen it you'll have to just watch the movie.

Sometimes we have to get out of our comfort zones and follow the "music" that God's put inside us. We have to trust the Holy Spirit to led guide and direct us. We may often get delayed by things that look good and yet are counterfeits and not the full picture that God has for us nor His best. For every temptation there is a way of escape. God is a redeemer of the times. He doesn't just stand back and go, "Oh look at how the world goes around I wonder what's going to happen next." He actively gets involved in our lives, and will do awesome things beyond what we can imagine. There are things in front of us and inside us that God put there, because He has a plan and a purpose for our good and to prosper us. We can't let circumstances or people's opinions sway us. We have to listen to the Spirit to know when to come and where to go even when it looks futile and hopeless. Even if we just see the bits and pieces, one here and one there, God sees the big picture. There is a song in everyone that needs to be played by the orchestra of life with the greatest conductor of all time!

Yes, I got all this from the movie and there is more too. You really should watch it seriously.

Peace Reigns, Love Wins and Joy is in the House!
Until Next Time

Update Before Week 2 Starts

So I thought I would give you all an update (I'm not sure who all read this).

The first week of school went really well. So far nothing too exciting has taken place. All of us 2nd years put the menu together for the next 2 weeks. We will be in the cafeteria through about the 21st. I still can hardly believe that I am back at school and it feels so normal. There are a lot of things that I can tell will stretch me in this school year, but that's why I am going to college so that I can learn and grow.

Yesterday I worked at the planetarium for 8 hours. It was pretty boring since I am being trained in to be a console operator. Speaking of which if anyone has a good birthday party game that is simple and doesn't take a lot of stuff. Comment on here pleeeeeaaaaassssseeee. Console operators have to host birthday parties. Which includes playing games with the kids. I think that is my least favorite part. Parents have such high expectations, I'm not sure why they expect so much from us when they don't even know what games to play. I did get homework done yesterday. I should do some more and get ahead a little bit though.

Already there is drama going on here. I am amazed at how many people are already starting dating relationships with people they barely know. As well as the lengths people will go to get a guy or a girl. I don't think college is all about seeing how fast you can hook-up with someone. Although I do understand how tempting it is, because when you don't "fit the norm" you get lonely. I don't like to be lonely, but I want God's best for my life, I don't want to settle for second best and than regret it, ya know.

Well I should go to bed here because once again tomorrow is Monday and I want to be fresh for the start of my second week of school. I will leave you with a qoute of a qoute from "When God Writes Your Love Story" that I thought was really interesting and made me really think.

"If we cut off their tongues and forbid the Christian speech, they love with their hands, with their feet and with their eyes, they love always and everywhere until their last respiration. Does anybody know how to take out the power of love from these stupid Christians?" This was spoken by a Romanian prison guard who found both his fulfillment and frustration in torturing Christians

Remember to really live today, because tomorrow is always tomorrow and yesterday is always past.

Shalom

It's Been Awhile

I know it's been awhile since I blogged, but there really hasn't been anything to blog about. Right now I'm really hungry, and tired.... I've been busy working at work and working at home. I'm taking on a lot of little/big projects around the house in order to maximize my mother's space in the house. So far so good although in some places it's hard to tell I've done anything. Well I just wanted to let everyone know I'm still alive and life keeps moving by and by way to fast. Maybe I'll have something to blog about soon. At least I hope I will. Adios...

People, people, people

Not sure what the point of this will be but we'll see where it goes. I just thought since it's been awhile since I've blogged I should go for it, while I have a minute or so to spare.

I don't know why summer has to go so fast? Do you? Anyways I really don't want to go into all that. I am finding my summer job interesting. I really am peaceful and content with my job even though a lot of the time I feel like I want to be lazy and not drive to work, it's an hour drive :(. Still it's all good. I am working on saving the majority of my paychecks, since I don't have to pay anything but gas (thanks mom and dad!). I figure it's a good thing. Lately I have been working on helping my mom get some odds and ends done that have been hanging loose, because of the busyness of life. I've been enjoying my three year old brother and my six year old sister a lot the others are cool too. LOL

I've been trying to spend some time this summer getting back on track, setting some priorities. So far it's not going so great, but hey that's why I'm working on it. Life is not a piece of cake. Hmmm that makes my stomach growl. Now I want a whole cake to eat. Well maybe I'll blog more later. Gotta go take care of my tummy.

New video, home life, summer?, work

There is a new video of a new song being posted as I type! It's pretty good, he is using my guitar, lol. I am enjoying being home, working in E** makes for a busy life, but I'm usually done and home around 4- 4:30 so I have time to do stuff here and enjoy the family! I don't know if summer is actually here yet since it's still kind of almost freezing at night.
Well right now I don't have much to post so I will say adios!

P.S. Oh yeah I forgot to mention that I have now gotten a grand total of 4 scholarships to total $1250! All I can say is thank you JESUS! Once again I can go to school without any loans! I decide to take an extra class, by faith, not knowing where the extra money was coming from or how I am going to make it with the workload I am making for myself. Well now I know about the money, now just have to trust that the Lord will help me through the class. Oh and another piece of good news is that my final grades came out and I have a 4.0 for my first year of college. Once again all I have to say is Thank you LORD!

Sitting Here Thinking

I have about an hour before I have to be at work. And I am sitting here thinking about a lot of stuff so I thought I would let you all in on a few of my very deep thoughts. LOL!



In one week I will be home and trying to rearrange 9 months of stuff, so that my room will be liveable for the 3 months I will be home. I think by the time it's how I want it to be it will be time for me to move back to Hibbing for my second year of culinary. Oh well, life is meant to be interesting. This summer I will be doing housekeeping in El* at an outfitters there. It should be interesting.

I hosted a few "parties" in the last few weeks. I believe I mentioned one in my last blog. I had fun hanging with friends even though it got late and I was tired and still am tired. I wouldn't trade any of it for anything. I got see some sides of people that I wouldn't have ever seen otherwise. I don't know what I am supposed to do with any of it. Ecspecially when it has to do with two certain people. I hate feeling like I am reading things into certain things. For some I would love to be wrong about others I would just like to understand. I got to here some different music... The Spill Canvas has some interesting music, that's for sure, and that was only one of them. I now have some music that one of my classmates did. It's really good.

College is definitely a learning experience. I have learned and grown a lot over the past year. I've walked through stuff that could have totally freaked me out, if not for the grace of God. I have lots of stories to tell, that I am not going to go into right now. Life is so good. I just wish that it didn't have to change so much. I was reading a book while waiting for someone to come over today, it's one I've heard before but it was difinetly worth reading again..."True courage is not the abscence of fear. It is refusing to allow fear to control your actions." Here is one that correlates as well, "Slavery to fear is much worse than the bruises and scars of a few falls." As I was reading, I was also listening to music and these lyrics caught my attention-

But I won't question in the dark
What is true out in the light
I will follow after You
Through the sun and through the night
Cause You've got me
Right where You want me
Yeah You've got me
Right where I need to be
And I'm standing amazed

These lyrics caught my attention because it's something that I have battled with. How many times do I question the Lord when things aren't going how I want and I am discouraged, but the principles and things that I know are still true they just seem really quiet. I'm tired of questioning in the dark when I know what's true. If that makes since. I've had the reassurance throughout this last year that I am right where He has wanted me to be. And in the good times I do stand amazed, now in those dark times I just have to remember that. I hope my ramblings make some sense.

Well I have to be to work in about 10 mintues so I had better get moving.

Later-

Final

By the way my culinary practical final is on Tuesday... I'm hoping for the best! I'm praying for God's peace, wisdom, and confidence to get me through.

Sarcasm

Ok here it goes!

I'm almost done with my first year of college and although I thought I could almost take a sigh of relief, I find that I have a couple of hurdles to jump and hedges to look around. And I'm not too excited about the one that will be happening the soonest, I just hope that it's not what I think it is. I'm sorry the specifics on that one will remain vague....

Anyways as the year is winding down and I look back over and contemplate my interactions with my classmates, I find that I have found a not so great coping mechanism.... SARCASM. I understand that it might not be that big a deal, but I feel convicted. There is always so much teasing, so many negative conversations and a word play/twisting swirling around me. And how do I respond... Sarcasm. I often find myself suddenly having something quick to respond with to whoever is conversing with me. Don't get me wrong, I never talk inappropriately! I just respond quickly and to their often "interesting" (if you know what I mean) comments. I enjoy the word play that can go back and forth, but is responding that way always right? I do know one thing most of the time sarcasm tears down, it doesn't build up, like the Bible says that our communication should. That is why I feel convicted. I feel stuck in this rut that I have put myself in while entering into the day to day banter of my culinary classes. Everybody does it! I don't want to tear down, because I fully realize that something said sarcastically or as a joke can come back and haunt you and the person that you said it to. In the greek it literally means "to tear flesh". Pretty terrible huh?

Here are a few things that I have found that I am going to try to remember with the Holy Spirit's prompting. "He who guards his mouth preserves his life, But he who opens wide his lips shall have destruction" "A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly, But the mouth of fools pours forth foolishness." "The lips of the wise disperse knowledge, But the heart of the fool does not do so." "A man has joy by the answer of his mouth, And a word spoken in due season, how good it is!" "The words of a man's mouth are deep waters; The wellspring of wisdom is a flowing brook." "Whoever guards his mouth and tongue Keeps his soul from troubles." "In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, But whoever restrains his lips is wise. The tongue of the righteous is choice silver; the heart of the wicked is worth little, The lips of the righteous feed many, But fools die for lack of wisdom" And this one always gets me "Life and death are in the power of the tongue, those who love it shall eat its fruit." In James it talks about the power of the tongue being like the small rudder of a ship steering a big ship or a small spark setting a forest fire. Then in Colossians it says that our speech is to be graceful, and seasoned with salt as Mathew says that we are the salt of the earth. How's that for convicting? It sure has gotten to me.

I have an excuse though it's how I hide what I'm really feeling. It has also become how I cope with the "stuff" that goes on. SARCASM has become a BAD habit. It's how I interact to "fit" in without compromising. But yet I have because I'm not always speaking life! It's so easy to say something sarcastic and have everyone laugh and then it's no longer about me. So what am I supposed to do?

I haven't figured out all the answers to this nagging question... Sarcasm? Do? or Don't? I guess there is a place for it sometimes, maybe? I just know that it's something I'm beginning to watch more carefully, I'm just concerned that my tongue will become very battered and bruised from me continually having to bite it. If I'm using sarcasm as a method of hiding and coping, what's the truth behind my classmates, sarcasm and word plays? Maybe if I hold my tongue more I can listen to the truth behind the veil of sarcasm and the word plays they are constantly welding.

Learning to bite my tongue and listen is the new habit I will be practicing tomorrow and the days to come. As the old saying goes "if you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all."

Busy, busy, busy

I have been really busy. Right now it feels like my life has been a blur. I have been meaning to get on here and post, but between homework, housework, school, work, work and sleeping I honestly feel behind. Still I am surviving and even thriving right now, accept for this headache that's pounding in my head. I think it's from to much sugar and not enough water. Now that I have IPC homework turned in, the quiz over with, computer applications assignment done, the 2nd years dinner invitations basically done, 2 scholarship applications mailed, registered for class in the fall, all the paperwork for my summer job finished up, financial aid info verified and the article for work emailed in, I decided I should take a moment to write. I still have: 2 final projects to complete, one part of one of them is due next week, at least one extra credit paper in IPC to write, an apartment to clean, new computer stuff to figure out, to find out if I should register for another class for fall (my work load will then be 21 credits), figure out how I'm going to live this summer, go through a stack of magazines, and get paperwork taken care of for an apartment in August. One of my far stretching goals that I have are to get in shape, even though I can spend 12 hours on my feet and not be too tired at the end. I'm sure there are more I just can think of them right now, I am so tired mentally and physically right now. There is a lot of school related stuff going on in the next 5 weeks! There are times I don't think I can keep up. I'm so thankful for the Lord's joy as it is the strength I am thriving on right now. I have so many things to be thankful for right now, I'm definitely counting my blessings. I'll have to tell more later as it is most definitely time for me to get some shut eye. I will do my best to get on here again to post some thoughts on some very relevant matters.

Life is a Beautiful Thing

What is life really worth? I was just watching the movie "Bella" if you haven't seen it you should, it's really good. You really have to watch in more than once to fully understand it. I'm sitting here crying as the credits roll. We take life to lightly. Life is valuable. "Bella" is a movie about a lady considering abortion and how one guy takes the time to listen and share is story about his feelings on the sanctity and value of life. How often do we really consider how lightly we take/consider/value human life. Did you ever stop to think...about why you're here? I've been thinking lately about how all these laws that are being passed for things that are morally and Biblically incorrect, and how everyone is fighting for the laws to be changed. Don't get me wrong, I want laws to reversed and I don't agree with them in any way, but in these days it has to be less about laws and more about reaching out to people and touching their lives so that they are affected day after day. As each day goes by, it becomes more about the matters of the heart. Please don't get so caught up in the day to day monotony, or the frustration or exhaustion or discouragement, that you forget how important and valuable each and every life is. Everybody is here for a reason there is a plan and purpose, nobody is a mistake. God knew you when you were yet unformed. My prayer tonight is that the Lord will help me to remember to not take life for granted. In remembering the value and sanctity of life I think I'll be a lot less ungrateful and complain a lot less. Life is valuable and so are people, young and old, helpless, or completely independent.

I'm not sure I'm saying this how I want to say it, but the gist of it is here as well as my heart.

I don't know why I'm doing this right now

I'm not sure why I'm sitting in the game room of my apartment building when I should be getting ready to leave for a week?? I guess because I'm hungry and I was out until after 1 am or maybe I should just leave it at that. I really enjoy the one night a week that I take to be irresponsible, and before anybody says whoa that's not good and I get scolded. I go out on Friday nights after work and hang out with a bunch of young adults on church property until late into the night. The only thing irresponsible in it is that I'm out late. Anyways it was a good time and as always very interesting. You just have to love that about the human race as long as we're human we will act human and make life interesting for ourselves and others.

I am so glad that the last 2-4 weeks are over. One midterm is done, my first 4 weeks in the other kitchen are done, I'm recovering from whatever bug was attacking me (no not a literal bug!), I get to go home and leave this atmosphere and the emotional and everyday drama that is continually going on here. I'm so happy. I NEED a break DESPERATELY. The upside is that I am FINALLY connecting with other believers. They are so hard to find. The Chi Alpha group on campus is growing, yeah, and I'm connecting more with the people from the young adult group I go to.

My life has just kind of felt the a roller coaster. And I know that it's just going to get busier as spring sets in! I'm really excited for Spring, it's definitely in the air! Yesterday I ran errands in just a sweatshirt, no coat. It was like a whole 40 degrees outside. LOL!!! Well I had better go and do my stuff since I have to work at 1 and I need to have stuff done so that I can go home TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you tell I'm excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!